But before I begin, moms and moms-to-be, there's not only one way to feed your baby. Should you not feel any pressure to nurse or breastfeed because we all have our own respective ways of feeding our them; this just happens to be mine. And also, no matter how and which way you chose to feed your child, you are enough. Mama please, you are enough.
Kay so I found out I was pregnant at about four weeks in and I knew then and there that I wanted to nurse. I have no idea how breastfeeding works or how to do it but all I knew was that, I wanted to do it.
I had Arya on 26th of November- via c-section- it was saturday. I've been taking moringa (malunggay) capsules from when I was about seven months pregnant until I gave birth. I was told it would help my body produce more milk. False. You don't have to take anything to produce milk by the way because it's natural. After the baby comes out the woman's body will start producing colostrum and within 4-5 days post-partum, mature milk will start flowing. Colostrum is sort of like the antibijotic that a mother's body produces which is very essential for newborns. Liquid gold, they call it. But of course, that was something I didn't know then.
She was out at around 6pm and then I was transferred to my room at 9pm. I was exhausted so I slept through the first night. They took her in the next morning, I was already sitting up without milk but certainly with more than enough colostrum. When they took her in, she wasn't hungry the way I was expecting and I was furious because I'm a first time mom- I was confused, I was tired, I haven't showered, so excited to hold my baby and now they've already given her formula in the nursery. I mean aren't hospitals supposed to be pro-breastmilk and stuff? But I'll spare you the details- I was having a hard time trying to get her to latch on because my nipples were inverted and also because most of the time she would always end up literally sleeping on it, it was crazy! I figured we weren't on the same track then so I had to top her up with formula for a couple days together with nursing (at least every two hours). And if you really want to exclusively breastfeed, don't do this. DON'T. Newborns have a really small tummy so you shouldn't overfeed them with formula; otherwise you're sending your body a pretty clear signal that it doesn't have to produce milk for the baby. Plus a. nipple confusion and b. your breastfeeding journey will end just like that before it even begins. Just because your baby's crying doesn't mean they're hungry. They could feel cold, or weird because for 9 months they're inside their mums where it's safe and warm and quiet and then all of a sudden they're in a loud and crazy environment. There are a lot of other reasons why newborns cry aside from hunger.
But for me, I really wanted to nurse so I cried nonstop until wednesday- and by then I was already LITERALLY dripping with milk. God is amazing, isn't He?
Until not even two hours later, when feeding a very hungry (and a tiny bit aggressive) baby with two uncomfortably engorged breasts plus a little bit of a fever that I felt like I was gonna die. So I found some comfort and sanity from one of my friends called breast pump. Four days post-partum. Four fucking days! And I'm not even talking about with like pumps that are easy to use like the ones that works digitally where you only have to press a few button and viola! No. I'm talking about one with like a suction ball. Can you even imagine? I got like a full-on 9oz of breastmilk from both my girls on the first try and I thought it was a good thing. It wasn't. No. You're not supposed to pump out milk within the first six weeks post-partum. Because engorged breast. Because over fucking supply. Because fucking mastitis.
But anyway all those things I said not to do, I did. Whenever I had to, for almost three months, I pumped milk. I wouldn't just pump for milk. I pumped to feel relieved. I pumped to fall asleep. I pumped to feel comfortable. There's not a time where I would drift off and not wake up to wet shirts. It was so hard! Not to mention I'm a single mom and no one in our family breastfed or at least know things about breastfeeding so I had to do everything alone but also google really helped me so thank you, Google.
By January (almost two months post-partum), the pumping kind of got exhausting... not to mention the swelling got a tiny bit worse. Arya would sometimes refuse feeding because too much milk too strong and she might drown if she doesn't pull away. All the milk that I pumped I had to spill because I stopped giving her a bottle a few days after my milk started flowing. I didn't know much about breastmilk storage then. Plus? none of the closest hospitals around the area accepts breastmilk donations anyway so. Yes, I feel bad about spilling all those milk. And I also wasn't a member of Breastfeeding Pinays on Facebook until arya was five months old aso I had to stop pumping altogether.
I cradle-held her for three months- at 3pm- at 3am- every two hours. Round. The. Clock. I was always so scared of falling asleep while feeding her like she might choke or something. I think we only started practicing side-lying position at about 3 months- mastered it and tried dream-feeding at about 5 months when she decided she's done being swaddled. Dream-feeding is like the shit of breastfeeding. I'm so thankful for it because I get a good night's sleep every night. I'd feel cold thoughevery once in a while but what are blankets for, right? It makes everything easier. When I'm asleep and she's hungry, I don't have to get up and set us up; she just finds it by herself and then goes back to sleep. Easy-peasy! And have you ever heard of twiddling? When they sort of pinch or play with your other nipple while feeding off of the other one? It sounds weird I know and Arya's been at it since she was like 6.5 months or something. I don't know why she does it either but if it makes her happy then so be it. And based on my research, 8/10 babies do it- it just so happens that Arya is one of the eight babies who do it so.
I do breastfeed in public. I think ever since I started nursing, only once have I ever fed her with a nursing cover. And to be honest, I feel guilty about it because I know they're babies and they probably won't even understand but would you like it if someone covers you up while you eat? Or or would you like it if someone asks you to eat inside like a bathroom? No, right? Since then wherever we are, no matter what I'm doing I nursed her. No cover because she's a baby and there's nothing wrong with feeding your baby. There's no shame in doing what's best for your child. Nope. None at all and if anybody ever tells you otherwise, I'm telling you- tell them to fuck off. Or squirt some of your breastmilk on their face. I mean I would. And besides, we live in a time where breastfeeding in public is not as big a deal anymore. People now are more... open to it, I guess. They should, after all.
Arya's sixteen months now which means we've been in this journey for sixteen months now, as well. I'm not saying giving your baby formula is bad but I encourage all of you, whoever is reading now to please, at least try to breastfeed your baby. Or encourage your partner to do so. Not only is it good for the baby but also for you. It benefits both moms and babies in the long run and it may be hard in the beginning but it's all worth it and God, oh God! The closeness? The love, the attachment? Everything that comes with it you will embrace. Take it from me because I do and we are having so much fun especially now because we're much closer and she's really sweet. Writing this article sucks though because I just realised, I will cry my eyes out if one day Arya says "no more dede" and there won't be anything I can do to change it. It's such a beautiful journey; it's hard and takes a lot of work and effort but it's also amazing and fulfilling and I don't think I'll ever be able to move on once she decides that it's time to stop...
I'm a nursing mama and I'm proud of it. x
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